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Don’t be a failed stumbler.

April 04, 2009 | | Comments 0

Hey I’m sh0rtbus56 and I’ve been around the block and stumbling before you were born, 2006 to be exact. So I’m gonna tell you how I roll and you newbies better listen up, cos if you do then one day you might just be someone on the net. Whoda thunk that a no hope loser called Kyle from Memphis, Tennessee could ever have reached these dizzy heights. Believe, live the dream my friends.

You must let everyone know where they've gone wrong

You must let everyone know where they've gone wrong

First take a look at my page, check out the stats Jack. Over 11,000 pages thumbed, over 3000 reviews, do you have any fucking idea how many internet pages I’ve actually looked at? Can you conceive how long I’ve been sitting in front of my fucking screen? I put the effort in let me tell you, so what I say matters, what I say counts.

So you all probably want to know how I came to be this guy who has such an influence on how the online world has developed, right? Ok, but first we’re going to have to rewind a bit. When I started out I was just like you dumb newbies. I was with the program, thumbing up sites and playing nice. I would leave the usual comments about how all immigrants suck, how woman are evil, and how 300 the movie rocks. But here’s the thing, nobody was listening, nobody cared. After my 2000th stumble I started getting a little disillusioned, I’m stuck in my bedroom with no light, a stench you wouldn’t believe and the one friend I had doesn’t call anymore.

So now what, well now I don’t even bother thumbing pages up I just leave comments, I’ve seen so many pages now that I start to help you guys out by pointing out all the pages that aren’t original. If I stumble content that I’ve seen before then I let you know that it’s stolen or old or fake, because although you may never have seen it before,  I have and you need to know that I saw it first somewhere else. I also give up on keeping my blog smut free and start to add pages with “boobies” because, Jesus Christ I’m a man and I’ve got needs, even if those needs aren’t being met.

Result? Still sweet FA. No one’s thumbing up my profile or leaving reviews and you can bet your sweet ass no ones subscribing to my favorites. So time for a new tactic, and here’s were I start to get real smart, so I hope you’re all paying attention. I start to leave obnoxious comments, yeah that’s right I start to give vent to my impotent rage. Here’s an example I’m really proud of, I stumble this page and leave this comment – “i’m no pedo but i bet she grew up to be hot”. Don’t believe me? Check this out – and note the really cool thing, I’m like the 5th person to comment on this pic so that shows that I’m really on the ball, really at the coal face my friends.

I've got something very important to say

I've got something very important to say

Well now I’ve got something that works for me and you can guess the rest right? Yup within the year I’m thumbing down almost every page I can find and letting you know just how angry and miserable I am. And now I’m somebody, I’m the angry one and it doesn’t even matter that my anger is completely without any wit or poignancy. It’s out there and I’m getting noticed, hell I’ve got 46 friends and 38, yes 38 people subscribed to my favorites, I’m almost like God now.

So in conclusion if you want to shape the web first find an unpopular minority clique like Emos, make an avatar saying you hate Emos and then start pissing people off. Job done, fame beckons.

Filed Under: Feel Better

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